The horror, the horror.
Now, when you read that you may have imagined Marlon Brando decked out in all his Apocalypse Now creepiness; I however imagined something far more sinister and depressing – a turkey.
I’m sure you’re wondering what’s so evil and disheartening about a turkey. Well, nothing actually. Turkeys are adorable, fascinating animals. What’s so horrific and mentally scarring is what happens to so many this time of year; a senseless death in the name of tradition.
Normally I wouldn’t be one to pooh-pooh holiday traditions. I like eggs at Easter (plastic please), pumpkins at Halloween, little blue boxes on Valentine’s Day. I even partake in a big glass of Silk Nog during the Christmas festivities because I’m spirited that way. But what I can’t stand, and will always thumb my nose at, is the atrocity that happens every fourth Thursday of November.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for giving thanks, hanging out with loved ones and knocking back some mashed potatoes and peas. But I don’t see why everyone gets in a tizzy over a dead bird. For that matter, I don’t know why the bird has to even be involved.
Turkeys are so much more than the sum of their parts. A drumstick here, a breast piece there may add up to dinner for some, but they added up to a son, daughter, sibling, parent before they got to the plate.
Turkeys are not inanimate objects; they don’t sit lifelessly until the axe drops. They don’t live idly until summoned for their holiday “duties” and then stand up to the challenge of becoming a centerpiece for entertaining. In fact turkeys are very interesting creatures if you give them a chance to be more than poultry.
I came across some data on turkeys that I found simply amazing. Maybe some of them are common knowledge and I’m behind on my bird facts, but I’m going to let you all in on the exciting info regardless.
“At one time, the turkey and the bald eagle were each considered as the national symbol of America. Benjamin Franklin was one of those who argued passionately on behalf of the turkey. Franklin felt the turkey, although “vain and silly,” was a better choice than the bald eagle, which he felt was ‘a coward,’ ” says infoplease.com.
I find this absolutely charming, that one of our founding fathers like turkeys so much he wanted them as the symbol of our country. And people put them on serving platters? For shame.
Infoplease.com also tells me that, “Turkeys have great hearing, but no external ears. They can also see in color, and have excellent visual acuity and a wide field of vision which makes sneaking up on them difficult.”
I also became more turkey-savvy after a stroll around www.goveg.com. In addition to finding out that turkeys are incredibly unhealthy to consume (why does this not shock me?), I also found out that they are a possible spring-board to spreading the deadly new Avian Flu. Um, eek.
Not only can bird – including turkey – carcasses infected with the virus theoretically kill you or your loved ones through ingestion (improper cooking, accidental raw ingestion) but they can spread the virus to other food that’s been prepared and do the same damage.
In addition to the risk of dying from contact with an infected bird, the virus itself has spread so rapidly due to horrific and disgusting conditions on factory farms where turkeys and other birds are bred for food.
While I think those reasons alone should make people think twice before buying a Thanksgiving turkey, I know many people couldn’t care less about their waistlines or how many people are dying from a fatal flu strain on the other side of the world. A lot of people don’t think Benjamin Franklin is anyone to look up to and they don’t care if a bird has good eyesight.
However, many people care about dogs and cats. They care about the sweet temperaments and lovable personalities. This is what keeps Fifi and Petunia off America’s dinner plate.
But did you know turkeys aren’t that different from their fluffier counterparts? Oh yes, turkeys are much more like companion animals than most people would like to believe. Most “meat” animals are.
Goveg.com says “Turkeys are social, playful birds who enjoy the company of others. They relish having their feathers stroked and like to chirp, cluck and gobble along to their favorite tunes.”
Can you imagine having a sing-along with a cutie-patootie birdie the way you would with your best friend? Or petting a turkey the way you would a beloved family companion animal? I can. And I would, if I knew anyone with a turkey willing to hang out with me for an afternoon. Actually, if I could spend the day with a rafter of turkeys, I think I’d just sit back and watch them play soccer.
Yeah, I said soccer, folks. “If you give an apple or a small ball to a group of turkeys, they’ll play with it together, kind of like they’re playing on a football or soccer team,” says peta2’s What They Never Told You booklet.
Personally, I’d find a rousing game of turkey football a great deal more entertaining than the usually drivel they play on television on Monday nights. Watching big, sweaty, overpaid jerks or some adorable birds clucking over an apple? Hmm . that’s a toughie.
Really, in the end, it shouldn’t really matter why you shouldn’t eat turkey, what matters most is that you simply shouldn’t. And you don’t have to.
There are numerous turkey alternatives, some you can buy from the store or make yourself at home. My absolute favorite is Tofurkey, because it’s tasty, easy and cheaper (not to mention 100 percent less cruel) than a real bird. You can check out the company, all their yummy options and even some recipes at www.tofurky.com/products/tofurkyfeasts.htm or you can check out www.goveg.com/f-top10turkeys.asp for info on other turkey alternatives as well as a list of the top 10 reasons to not eat turkey (a couple of which I included here).
So now that you don’t really have any excuse to partake in turkey on Thanksgiving (or really any other time) and so many reasons not to, go on, live on the wild side and buy a fake bird for the holidays. I promise you won’t regret it.
Let me know how your turkey-free Thanksgiving turns out by writing me at mohawktown@hotmail.com.

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