Q: I just broke up with my boyfriend and I’m kind of “talking” with this other guy who is really cute. The only problem is that he is nothing like my other boyfriend – which means we have nothing in common. But I don’t want to be alone during the holidays.
Single in StoneA: Unfortunately for you (and me), the answers to your question are not easy and cannot easily be reconciled.
First, the question of whether or not it is too soon to date again – this one is totally up to you. It sounds like you just don’t want to be alone, which is a pretty shaky basis for starting a new relationship.
However, this is understandable, but you need to keep yourself in check so that you don’t rush things in an attempt to recreate the closeness you had with your ex.
You don’t need a new boyfriend to “get over” your ex. That is one of the worst mistakes people make, in my opinion.
Try doing something for yourself for a change. You can go where you want and do what you want (within reason, of course) without anyone (i.e. your boyfriend) asking you what you’re up to.
Flirt with other guys. That is a lot more harmless than using someone as a “rebound” and eventually hurting his feelings.
As for the issue of you and your potential beau having nothing in common, that one is also up to you.
I have found that I tend to gravitate toward the same kind of people – quiet, introspective people who tend to have a preoccupation with the arts (usually music). Maybe this is just my ‘type,’ or maybe there are some larger universal and psychological forces at work here.
I have found this is also true for a lot of other people I’ve met, suggesting that someone somewhere is having a lot of fun watching us all screw up over and over and over.
You say that this new person is nothing like your old boyfriend and you don’t have anything in common. Well . good! You broke up with the guy for a reason. Why would you want to do that to yourself again?
The most serious question you ask seems to be whether or not you should change to make yourself more compatible with someone you are only attracted to on the most base of levels. I know that every magazine you pick up tells you never to change yourself for anyone – he should be perfect and love you just as you are, no questions asked.
Frankly, I think this is crap.
This kind of thinking assumes that you are already perfect and you just need to find someone willing to appreciate it. We all know this is not true.
Maybe a new person would be the best thing for you. Maybe you could learn something from this new guy – a new way of thinking about life, a new hobby.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not being anti-feminist or suggesting that you become a clone of this guy. Not at all – rather, I am merely stating a fact.
The way we learn things is from other people, usually people we hold in high esteem (parents, friends, boyfriends, etc.). No one is so original or such an individual that they didn’t get any of their ideas from listening to other people’s views.
Of course, this doesn’t mean you should become a movie buff overnight just because you potential boyfriend is into film. This, in fact, would be rather disingenuous.
Be “yourself” (whatever you take that to mean . I’m not sure anyone really knows, but they do like to say it a lot), and be open to new ideas. Maybe you’ll end up having a merry Christmas after all.
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