My iPod is better than you, my iPod is better than your mom, come to think of it, my iPod is better than nearly everyone that I know.
Now I realize that most people may be offended by my statement of this fact. Perhaps even to the point that they will try and dispute its validity.
However, because I understand how judgmental and petty people can get when offended, I have conducted several highly scientific tests to prove my claim beyond the shadow of a doubt.
Obviously these tests were difficult to devise due to their importance. How does one compare the near perfection of my iPod to that dredge of biology called humanity?
After several days of pondering, I had an epiphany.
As I sat in The Cave and sipped coffee with Paul McCartney screaming “Heltah Skeltah!” into my ears, the three tests smashed into my brain with the force of an unexpected pregnancy.
Performed with the absolute highest level of professional integrity, I pitted my 20 gig Apple iPod against basically the entirety of humanity.
1st Test – Sound Reproduction
While driving to obtain some food with my first test subject, Ira Pratt, a 20-year-old undeclared student, I abruptly unplugged my FT transmitter, handed it to him and politely asked him to play me some music through my car stereo.
Tentatively taking the transmitter from me, he looked at it uncertainly for a moment, he placed it gingerly in his mouth.
After a few seconds of static I realized that the iPod had defeated Ira.
2nd Test – Compatibility
Townsed Hamm, a 22-year-old digital media major, came to visit me while I was sitting at my computer transferring songs to my iPod. I got up from the computer, turned to him, and told him to take a file from my computer and put it on his as my iPod is capable of doing.
After a long few moments of him blankly staring at the monitor, he left my apartment ashamed.
3rd Test – Portability
Wandering across campus, drowning out the incessant chatter of sheep on cell phones with my iPod, I ran into Ericka Basile, a 23-year-old painting major, and decided that she was the perfect subject for my third and final test.
While my iPod provides me with uninterrupted companionship by fitting snuggly in any pocket, I have yet to find any person able to do the same.
I told Ericka of my conundrum and the criteria for testing and she, in an attempt to defend humanity, took up the challenge.
Measuring in at 5-feet even, try as she might, she could not fit in my pockets or put up with me long enough to provide me with constant companionship.
And I was wearing cargo pants that day.
iPod: 3 Humanity: 0

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