It never takes long for a quote from Leviticus to surface in the debate over gay marriage, reminding us of how the (so called) scourge of homosexuality is destroying the fabric of our God fearing society.
It’s a good thing we have Leviticus to save us from such iniquities. But what other supernal guidance can be gleaned from the pages of Leviticus? Can it help protect us from other vices?
The answer is an emphatic yes, and since that is the case, a thorough examination of Leviticus has been conducted for the benefit of the student body specifically and the wider populous in general. It is hoped that this effort will maximize the number of souls that can ascend to the heavens following a (hopefully) ripe and timely death.
First, all of us should immediately abstain from eating any form of pork. That means no more bacon, ham or sausage. Leviticus 11:7 is quite clear on this point: “And the pig may not be eaten, for though it has split hooves, it does not chew the cud.”
As good Christians, we must also be wary of several entrees available at any local seafood restaurant, for though we are permitted to eat marine animals with both fins and scales, according to Leviticus 11:12, “any marine animal that does not have both fins and scales is strictly forbidden to you.” That means no more calamari, lobster, crab, shrimp or shellfish.
Giving up these tasty dishes may seem hard, but don’t despair, because according to Leviticus 11:22, we are permitted to supplement our diets with insects that jump with their back legs, including “crickets, bald locusts and grasshoppers.”
Most of us will need to start shopping for a new wardrobe without delay. Leviticus 19:19 plainly states that we “should not wear clothing woven from two different kinds of fabric.” Dump all your cotton/polyester blends immediately or run the risk of violating the sanctity of monolithic fashion.
Leviticus 19:27-28 also warns against slips in personal hygiene. We are not to trim the hair off our temples (no sideburns), clip the edges of our beards, or mark our skin with tattoos.
Once all of us have adjusted our diets and appearance to conform to Leviticus, we have to organize ourselves, because to really live the word of Leviticus calls for drastic action.
To begin with, although football is America’s second most traditional sport, the Bible explicitly prohibits the handling of any part of a pig carcass. Not only can we not eat it, we can’t toss the old pigskin around on Sunday afternoons. Unfortunately, it’s too late to institute a simple fix (like making sure all the leather used by football manufacturers comes from cows).
Since all the players were getting paid to play on a Sunday, that technically counts as work. And as we all know, Sunday is a holy day of rest and “anyone who works on that day will die” (forgive me, that was Exodus 35:2).
Once we’ve taken out the NFL we can target Cleo and her cabal of phone psychics. Leviticus is quite explicit in what we must do. Leviticus 20:27 states, “Men and women among you who act as mediums or psychics must be put to death by stoning.”
The final task will really require some effort since it requires a partial nullification of the Constitution, specifically a voiding of the 13th Amendment that abolished slavery.
Leviticus 44:46 makes it clear that slavery is permissible, “you may purchase male or female slaves from among the foreigners who live among you. You may also purchase the children of such resident foreigners, including those who have been born in your land. You may treat them as your property, passing them on to your children as a permanent inheritance.”
If you’ve made it this far, you no doubt have deduced the satirical flavor of this article, and though its taste may be unpleasant, it’s important to comprehend its unsweetened quality.
If you read the Bible with the intention of finding a way to hate or persecute someone else, you’ll find something every time. All too often the Bible is abused by the hypocrite, who first selectively pulls quotes to reinforce a prejudiced viewpoint, then sanctimoniously claims divine superiority over all comers.
Perhaps all of us are guilty of that at some point, but never has the practice been so prevalent as it has been in the debate over gay marriage.
Perhaps it’s time for everyone to start taking the Pollyanna approach to reading the Bible. Try looking for reasons to love someone, instead of hating them, even when that someone chooses not to live by your favorite lines of scripture.
It works, even in Leviticus. All you have to do is “love your neighbor as yourself (Leviticus 19:18).

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