Lately I have been thinking about locking myself inside my apartment and never setting foot outside again.
This semester, I have been spending time with new people, dating around for the first time in my life, trying new things and essentially just enjoying this time in my life.
But somehow, I think this kind of seemingly innocent lifestyle may be the death of me.
This all seemed to start about a month ago. I had just finished bragging about how I had never received a speeding ticket, and then, while taking a friend home to Morristown after a late night at work, I saw those dreaded red and blue flashing lights behind me. That entire encounter is an absolute blur to me. I was scared out of my mind.
It is rare for a person to go through life without ever getting a speeding ticket though. Right? Just a fluke – “I will learn to slow down and move on,” I thought to myself.
I was at a different friend’s condo a few days ago, and during my short stay inside, I returned to find that my car had been double-parked by one of their neighbors. I somehow locked my keys in my still running car while my friends were trying to maneuver around the parking lot making room for me to get out.
After getting over the initial panic of realizing I was trapped at a condo that housed four college guys and that I would eventually have to use a bathroom, my friend’s roommate was able to successfully kill my engine, and proceeded to break into it.
A week or so after this, I was out on a date and on the way home, to my horror and shock, I received my second speeding ticket.
The next night I locked my keys in the newspaper office, all of my keys, my car keys, my office keys, everything. Luckily I ran into the newspaper Web master and borrowed his keys to let me back in.
A couple of days later I went out with a friend to a restaurant I had never tried before. We had a blast, until I had learned later that night that while we had been out, his apartment had been robbed.
A few nights ago I was out on another date, and spilled an entire glass of water on the guy’s RAZR. Needless to say I do not think he will be calling back.
I was out to lunch with a friend at a ‘sit down’ restaurant recently, when all of a sudden a bouncy ball comes flying across the room and smacks me in the head. Yes, a bouncy ball . to the head.
And my friends wonder why I will not accept their racquetball invitations. With the present string of luck I am having, I would be fortunate to walk away without losing an appendage.
So what’s the moral to this story? What grand lesson is there to be learned from all of this?
Keep your head down, and your phone in your pocket.

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