Q: I have been dating this guy for about six months, and I really like him. Everything is great except I hate his friends. They are rude and one of them is really racist. Whenever he goes out with them, I make up an excuse not to go because I can’t stand them, but I like my boyfriend. What should I do?
Wary in West
A: You can tell a lot about a boyfriend by the company he keeps. People usually choose friends who are like themselves in some way or another, so your boyfriend obviously has at least something in common with his rude and racist friends.
While what he shares with his friends is not necessarily the rude and racist part, he must be willing to overlook their indiscretions even if he disapproves of their behavior.
It may just be that your boyfriend has known these people for so long that he is used to their less than perfect demeanor. Or it may mean that your boyfriend is a different person than you thought he was.
Think about it – does your boyfriend seem different when he is around his friends than when he is alone with you? We all act slightly different when we’re around different people, but it may be that your boyfriend has another side to his personality than the one you know.
I’m not trying to scare you or say that you should break it off with him because he’s secretly an awful person. I’m just cautioning you to make sure that your boyfriend isn’t hiding his true nature when he’s around you.
As for what you should do about his friends, you can’t just keep avoiding them and expect all to remain well with your boyfriend. Eventually he will notice that you never want to hang out when his friends are part of the equation and this will not make him happy.
You can either wait until he notices to tell him that can’t stand his friends’ behavior, or you can do it now and save yourself some pain and anguish.
Instead of inventing another excuse, tell him diplomatically why you don’t want to go. Don’t say “I think your friends are awful people.” Say something more along the lines of “Sometimes the way

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