Q: My boyfriend told me he does not feel appreciated. When I ask what I can do to make him feel appreciated, he won’t tell me. Why is it so hard for men to share feelings?
Mute in Mathes
A: In a nutshell, men clam up about their feelings because that’s how they’re taught to act. Think about it – when was the last time you saw a movie, commercial or any other form of media that congratulated men for openly sharing their feelings? What you’re more likely to see is the emotionally honest guy being the brunt of everyone’s jokes, and no guy wants to feel like less of a man.
It’s not just media, either. It’s the entire socialization process. Many men learn this type of closed-mouth behavior from their dads or other male figures. They learn that the epitome of being a man is always putting up a strong front, and sharing emotions doesn’t fit in with this stoic brand of masculinity.
But you need to know how to deal with it.
My only advice to you is that you can try to break down the wall slowly. Instead of asking him what you can do to make him feel more appreciated, just sit down and think about what makes you feel appreciated, and think about things you could do to treat him a little better. Just because he’s a guy doesn’t mean he’s not human. He probably wants a lot of the same things you would like in a relationship.
No, I don’t mean you should give him a pedicure or buy him a cute new pair of legwarmers. You could try doing little things for him, like not being unnecessarily short with him or showing a bit more affection toward him. Believe it or not, guys want little displays of love, too.
When you are together, do the two of you always end up doing the things you want to do, watching the movies you’d like to see and going to your favorite restaurants? If so, take both his wishes and yours into consideration and compromise. Go to the restaurant he likes and then the movie you like. Your boyfriend might feel like his opinions don’t matter, but this way he’ll have a say, too.
Take him out to dinner. It’s the 21st century, for heaven’s sake, which means it’s perfectly OK for you to pay for dinner once in awhile. In fact, it’s more than OK to split the bill without leaving him to pay for both of you all the time.
Be more interested in his daily life, and I don’t mean to the point of giving him the third degree about his whereabouts between 11:15 and 11:30. Don’t pry; just show him that you care about how he’s doing.
Be more considerate when you’re talking to him. Don’t say mean or hurtful things. Despite that tough exterior, the little things people say in relationships can hurt everyone involved, even guys.
If all this doesn’t work, your boyfriend’s statement might signal a deeper problem in your relationship. And that’s a whole other column.
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