Q: My boyfriend . well, now my ex . bought me a really expensive gift for Christmas and then we broke up a couple of weeks later. I really don’t want it now (it’s an iPod by the way) since it came from him and I feel kinda guilty for keeping it. Should I give it back?
Unsure UndergraduateA: We all know about re-gifting etiquette, but what about un-gifting etiquette? It’s difficult to say what you should do with all the “leftovers” of a relationship once the relationship has ended. It’s different for each couple and maybe even each person.
The fact that your ex gave you an expensive gift just weeks before the breakup complicates the issue even further.
When you break up with someone, you’re probably not going to want his stuff lying around, waiting to remind you of your pain (or anger, whichever the case may be) every time you find a jacket or a mix CD buried under a pile of clothes in your room. How you dispose of these items really just depends on how sad or angry you are. Maybe you would feel better returning them to the gifter or packing them away in a cardboard box . or maybe you would prefer to burn them. It’s really up to you.
No one’s telling you that you absolutely HAVE to give the iPod back to him, but there are certain “rules” to help guide your decision. For instance, did you see the breakup coming? If you did, why didn’t you break up before Christmas? If there is a chance you stuck it out through the holidays just to get a nice gift, then you should definitely give it back. If you believe in karma, or even if you don’t, keeping something you obtained dishonestly when you have an opportunity to make things right doesn’t make you a very good person.
If you honestly had no ulterior motives in waiting until after Christmas for the breakup, then you should talk to your ex and work out how you two are going to settle the issue of all the stuff from your relationship. A gift is a gift, after all, and it’s perfectly fine for you to both keep the things you bought each other if you prefer to leave it at that. Sometimes couples choose to return only large gifts, such as engagement rings. It’s really up to you.
Since you wrote this question, it’s obvious you feel uncomfortable about keeping the iPod with the wound from the breakup still so fresh. So talk to your ex about it. Tell him you appreciate his gift but that you don’t feel right keeping it given the circumstances. He will probably understand how you feel and may even want to return some things you bought him. If that will make you both feel better and give you a sense of closure, do it. If the relationship is truly over, you need to make your peace with it, learn from it, and start moving on.
There is only one thing I can imagine that would change the etiquette for the gift you recently received – the circumstances of the breakup. Whose fault was it? No, I don’t mean that you should start rehashing every little thing he ever did wrong.
I am referring to situations such as cheating. If he treated you badly or wronged you greatly during the breakup (please try to be objective), then you are probably more entitled to keep the iPod than if he hadn’t.
If he can’t leave you with good memories, at least you can remember a nice, shiny, mP3 player.
Happy back-to-school (as happy as that can be, anyway).
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