Q: My girlfriend still hangs out with her ex-boyfriend. I haven’t said anything because I don’t want to look jealous. They were friends for a long time before they dated and she says they’re just friends now, but it still worries me. What should I do?
Worried
A: You are in a bit of a pinch, my friend. I’m sure your girlfriend is loyal to you, since she is, after all, dating you, but her loyalties are obviously a bit divided and you have every right to be nervous about the future of your relationship. Conveying this information to your girlfriend without making her angry, however, is not going to be easy and, frankly, may not even be possible.
If you were thinking when you wrote this question that somehow someone would be able to tell you exactly how to make the evil ex-boyfriend disappear and your girlfriend to be happier for it, I’m afraid you’ve come to the wrong place. It’s not going to happen.
Ever.
Unless your girlfriend decides on her own to quit seeing her ex, there is no way for you to make it happen short of engineering some elaborate scenario which would cause them to foreswear each other’s company for the rest of their lives. No offense to you, but I don’t know of too many people smart enough to pull something like that off. Maybe if life were a soap opera you would have a fighting chance.
Since killing the ex is out of the question (and could possibly backfire by making your girlfriend realize she actually was in love with him after all . you know how tragedies work), you’re either going to have to: a) approach your girlfriend about it in a way that will not make her resent you or b) get over it and accept his place in your relationship.
So, on to the first option, option A. In this option you find a non-threatening way to tell your girlfriend that it makes you uncomfortable to see her hanging around someone with whom she has exchanged saliva (and that’s where I’m stopping). You have to be careful with this one, lest it seem like you are accusing your girlfriend of cheating or you actually admit that you are jealous of her ex. Neither of these will make her very happy, and could actually make her feel closer to her ex when you seem like the bad guy.
Whatever you do, don’t try to make her choose. She may pick you (or she may pick him . this is what you want to avoid), but she will resent you for it. I can’t tell you exactly what to say, but I can tell you to never use an accusatory tone and only to tell the truth. Tell her it makes you uncomfortable, that you’d rather not feel that way but that you can’t help it. Hopefully, she will understand your plight and you can find a way to work things out or at least understand each other a little better.
If you don’t want to take that route, you have the other option of just getting used to it. Do you really have any reason to suspect that your girlfriend is cheating on you? Your fear is not completely irrational, but your girlfriend has known her ex longer than she has known you, and she is not going to just give him up as a friend anytime soon. He is, at least for now, a part of her life, and in extension, a part of your relationship with your girlfriend. If she is really worth it, you will be able to accept that. If not, maybe she’s not the right girl for you anyway.
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