We’ve been blessed with seven years of leadership from our commander guy, George W. Bush, and for five of those years we’ve been taking the fight to the Iraqi terrorists that caused 9/11.
But we’re fast approaching a moment of crisis, because unless George decides to follow in the footsteps of FDR and run for a third term, we’ve just over a year of behind-the-lines bravado left to protect us from the “suiciders.”
With that in mind, it’s time to consider some potential replacements. Who among the field of presidential candidates can assume the mantle of “decider” and protect us in our protracted war against the terrorists?
From the get-go we should eliminate all the Democrat contenders. The last thing we need are a bunch of peacenik hippies who are going to use things like the United Nations, sanctions or, worst of all, diplomacy to solve the world’s problems. If we really want to win the hearts and minds of the world, then we need to let freedom ring the American way, with a few more spent casings of depleted uranium.
But who can we find to carry on this tradition of neo-gunboat diplomacy?
The obvious first choice is John McCain. This veteran and ex-POW has shown he’s not afraid to walk the open streets of Baghdad (in a flak jacket surrounded by “more than 100 American soldiers, with three Blackhawk helicopters and two Apache gunships overhead,” according to NBC news).
Walking around Baghdad is one thing, but what about the terrorists?
“I will follow Osama bin Laden to the gates of hell and I will shoot him with your products,” McCain said at stump speech to employees of gun manufacture Thompson Center Arms. You’ve got to love the maverick. And against Osama, he may get our endorsement. But what about home-grown terrorists that overuse the right to speak freely? If McCain can kiss that much ass at one campaign stop, can we really trust him to detain war protesters, environmentalists or scientists that share too many inconvenient truths? He needs to prove his shooting is straighter than his talking before we can give him a full endorsement.
So maybe McCain isn’t the total package. What about Mitt Romney, the front-runner in the early primary states (Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina) according to most polls? Can we count on Romney to hunt down the terrorists?
“I’m not a big-game hunter. I’ve made that very clear. I’ve always been a rodent and rabbit hunter. Small varmints, if you will,” Romney said, shortly after professing to be a lifelong gun-owner and hunter.
Romney may not have a great track record when it comes to bagging big game, but it’s obvious his family is ready to serve its country during this time of crisis. “My sons are all adults and they’ve made decisions about their careers and they’ve chosen not to serve in the military and active duty and I respect their decision in that regard. One of the ways my sons are showing support for our nation is helping me get elected because they think I’d be a great president,” Romney was quoted by the Associated Press as saying. That kind of willingness to serve is rare in true patriots.
It’s a tough call: Hunter of wascally wabbits or a high-plains drifter hiding behind a posse. Do we have any other choices?
How about national front-runner Rudy Giuliani? Didn’t he clean up the streets of New York? If we got him to apply the same kind of strategy to the war on terror, maybe we could finally sleep soundly at night. But how did he do it?
“I took a city that was known for pornography and licked it to a large extent, so I have my own set of qualifications,” Giuliani said on the campaign trail in New Hampshire. Those qualifications are probably better for picking up new wives. However, the tongue tornado is a tactic the enemy certainly won’t expect and possibly may even enjoy. Still, Giuliani needs to be careful; his approach could be mistaken for diplomacy.
We’ve looked at three pretty qualified candidates so far, but what we need is someone who will really take Bush’s concept of “kickin’ ass” to heart. And one candidate may have what it takes, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee.
Huckabee’s strategy is a double whammy, one that can be used to win the war on terror and get him into the Oval Office.
“We’re going to put Chuck Norris on their doorstep, and he’s going to put his right heel on the right side of their faces if they don’t help us in the caucuses. That’s our new strategy,” Huckabee said after receiving the martial artist’s endorsement. Apparently this particular compassionate conservative strategy is working too. Huckabee has climbed to second place in the most recent Iowa polls.
I think we have a winner; a candidate with an anti-terrorism plan that can handle all enemies, both foreign and domestic, and get votes at the same time. He’s got my vote . and he’s going to get yours too, if Chuck Norris’ heel has anything to say about it.

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