Dear Sex Matters,I love kissing, its one of my favorite things to do. But, I have a problem. My boyfriend is a lousy kisser. He’s not so bad that I can’t stand it, but I really miss those two-hour long make out sessions I’d had with previous boyfriends. Any ideas on what I can do to get him to improve his game?

Sincerely,

Missing the Kissing

Dear Missing the Kissing,

It’s a deep question . can you get someone to change or “improve” how they do something sexual? There’s a self-help industry that’s predicated on the idea, but that doesn’t make it so.

Practically speaking, you’ve got a few choices if you want to do a bad-kissing intervention with your boyfriend. You could say something directly. This might hurt his feelings, and it may or may not help.

If you’re going to take this route, think about how you would want to be told something like this. Also, think about how you and your boyfriend might be different in how you want to be told.

For example, there is a huge difference between “Dude, your kissing sucks” and “Hey, I’m wondering if we could experiment with kissing a little differently,” or “Mmmm, I really like it when you kiss me like this instead of like that.”

We are not built with an innate understanding of what works for every individual, so communication and education about what works for you is the best way to make sure your needs are met.

You could also try to teach him by doing.

Next time you’re making out, take control. Literally get on top and start showing him exactly how you want to be kissed.

You may not have to say anything; he may get it, and he may like it.

You can make it playful by turning the lesson into something erotic (roleplay, for instance.)

But, I think there could be more to be learned from this question of yours. Is this situation a point of friction in your sexual relationship? Is there more you’re wanting that you’re not getting?

This could point to an ideal experience you’re either imagining or fantasizing about, or recalling and now comparing to your current experience.

Is the kissing the only thing you don’t like? Would you describe you and your boyfriend as sexually compatible other than kissing?

Can you describe exactly what it is that you don’t like about the way he kisses?

Is it the technique? Is it the energy or intent, the timing or pacing?

We are often not taught to talk about sex much, so we often can’t even have a conversation with ourselves about it, let alone our partners.

We may only notice something turning us on or off, without us exploring why.

Give yourself the freedom to be curious and explore more deeply what’s going on.

This can go a long way in teaching you and your partners more about what works.

If you can have these conversations, you’ll be surprised how quickly you can have exactly what you want.

Students are encouraged to e-mail their questions to oasis@etsu.edu. All Sex Matters questions will be read, however, not all questions will be selected for publication.

Sex Matters’ questions will be published anonymously and answered by an ETSU Counseling Center licensed counselor, Rebecca Alexander as part of the Outreach & Advocacy: Sexuality Information for Students (OASIS) campus programming.

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