Ladies and gentlemen, I am ashamed.
Not of myself, mind you, but of an organization in which, until recently, I held the utmost (OK somewhat less than utmost) respect.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has been known to come up with some outrageous, and often stupid, ways to get their messages about animal rights to the people, but this one takes the cake. Or, perhaps I should say … the carrot.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, PETA has announced that they are running a carrot (or, in any case, some random person in a carrot costume) for president. And, I don’t mean president of some small time operation. We’re talking THE president – of the United States – of America.
How? I have no idea, so don’t ask me. All I know is that after years of keeping track of PETA, hoping that one day their silly ideas would stop in favor of realistic vegetarian promotion, I am saddened to announce that they have hit rock bottom.
And, yet, I fear sooner rather than later, they will find a shovel.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not against the promotion of meatless diets. I am a devout vegetarian, I have been for many years and I hold the same respect for animals as the high-ups at PETA, yet, I think a carrot holding office has to be one of the lamest ideas floating around at the moment.
I mean, where does it end?
The carrot (Chris P. Carrot to be precise) has a corncob for a running mate. It’s name is Colonel Corn if you’re wondering (oh, admit it, you were curious.)
PETA’s platforms are good ones, I admit. They stand for feeding the hungry, protecting those who cannot protect themselves (that would be non-human animals Mr. Bush, not Iraqis) and of course vegetarianism and veganism. All of which are noble causes, and if an actual person were running on this platform, he or she would probably get my vote … but, not a carrot.
I can’t bring myself to write in “Chris P. Carrot” on election day. It’s too depressing.
Not to mention, I try to avoid helping PETA get anywhere by utilizing stupid methods. That’s why you’re not going to find me naked in a cage boycotting the circus.
Boycott – yes. Naked – not so much.
Nor shall I be parading down Fifth Avenue in nothing but my birthday suit. Those who do, I salute you, but I sure as hell won’t join you.
Fur is disgusting but so is naked flab prancing down the street to protest it. Not everyone who loves animals looks like a super model, but for some reason, everyone feels they should whip off the skivvies to show their support.
Wear a button people. Buy a sticker. Growl at old ladies in fur coats (that’s what I do anyway), but DON’T parade your patootie in public. No one wants to see it.
Besides, using your body for animal rights is stupid no matter how good you look. Sex may sell but it rarely makes people stop eating hamburgers. I’m sure even the billboards that say meat makes men impotent probably isn’t doing much.
Television stations refused PETA’s risqu Super Bowl ad featuring a vegetable delivery guy and two might-as-well-be-naked girls because it verged on pornography. What’s the point in spending money on ads no one will see?
Okay, you can see the ads on PETA’s web site but how does that do any good to the general public I ask? It doesn’t.
I do, however, encourage everyone to check out the web site for general information and facts about animal rights and meatless diets, heck even watch the stupid commercials, just don’t take too much heed in the flashy stuff.
I suppose I should stop here and explain that while I’m not a member of PETA, I have on occasion bought stickers and such from them. So, if you see me don’t call me a hypocrite. I love animals and I love the “idea” of PETA, I just don’t love how they often promote themselves.
I’m not the kind of person to jump at you and scream because you’re noshing on a Big Mac. It’s your heart attack, buddy, not mine, but I will be more than happy to explain why meat is gross to anyone who wants to hear about it.
I find guerilla activism a useless waste of time so I don’t do it, but if you happen to hear someone behind you saying your food stinks the next time you’re out and you turn around to find a short brunette holding her nose, don’t be surprised.
Anyway, I guess the basic idea of this column is to let everyone know that not all of us in favor of animal rights are lettuce-bikini wearers or in-your-face protestors. Some of us just love animals and hate hurting them. We don’t all follow the mantra that bigger is better or that yelling at people spreads the word. In fact, I’d have to say, if anything, it turns people off.
A while ago, PETA had a pro-vegetarian campaign that centered on the idea that “Jesus was a vegetarian.” Now, I can’t claim to know if that’s truth, but I can certainly say that it did nothing for me. In fact, it kind of pissed me off. I mean, OK, if Jesus was a vegetarian, that’s nice.
But, so was Hitler and I’m not sure that’s going to get anyone to put down their McNuggets.

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