And you thought Groundhog Day 2005 would sneak into the history books as just another day, and that all of last week would somehow remain relatively normal.
Well guess again, because nothing could be farther from the truth.
Let’s start with Howard Dean, who is seeking to become the next chairman of the Democratic National Convention.
Yes, that Howard Dean. The Dean of “We’re going to Arizona, and we’re going to Oregon, and we’re going to Washington. ARRRRRRRRGH!” fame.
Oh to be a fly on the wall as Dean rehearses his discourse.
One can just hear Dean now, in that self-proclaiming, self-anointed and self-annihilating style.
“… and if you elect me as your new chairman of the DNC, I promise you that we’re going to take Ohio back. ARRRRRRRRGH!”
Talk about a field day for the GOP.
Next is the former president of the United States and psycho-babbler Bill Clinton, who much to the dismay of former senator and hate-monger Jesse Helms now has his eye on becoming the next secretary general of the United Nations.
Clinton is no doubt secretly hoping that his wife, the fainting Sen. Hillary Clinton from New York, will somehow be elected the next president of the United States.
While I’m neither a big fan of the Clintons or Helms, I just can’t fathom the dangers that would be associated with the possibility that Bill and Hill, two ego-driven politicians such as they are, may become the crowned king and queen of the world.
Of course I’m sure they would prefer the more appropriate title, dictator and dictatoress of the world.
Michael Moore is in a quandary after being snubbed by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. He failed to garner a Best Picture nomination by removing his film (?), Fahrenheit 9/11 from the documentary field.
I presume it’s too late for the academy to reconsider his film (?) for cartoon of the year? Better yet, let the academy just consider Moore the cartoon of the year.
And while I’m on the subject of cartoons – what about the other Michael? Jackson, that is.
Now I certainly mean no disrespect to Foghorn Leghorn, but, “I say, I say, I say. The boy’s not right.”
Even Punxsutawney Phil wasn’t the only creature seeking “to see or not to see” his shadow last week.
I understand that Dan Rather also arose early last Wednesday, hoping to catch a glimpse of his shadow.
Well Dan, how does it feel to be upstaged by a woodchuck?
Yes, Phil saw his shadow, and The Dan didn’t.
So this actually means that in a little more than four weeks, the anchor chair at CBS News will be vacant.
And if you listen very carefully, you can almost hear Edward R. Murrow and Howard K. Smith applauding from afar.
And while I’m on the subject of the afar, I understand that Johnny Carson received the “ultimate compliment” last week.
Upon his entering the Gates of Heaven, God told St. Peter, “Step aside.”
And God said, “St. Peter, this is one of those once in a thousand years events, and I will do the honors.”
And in a thunderous voice, God said, “AND NOW, HEEEEERE’S JOHNNY!”
Like I said, it was just one of those weeks.
From the Cannon Corner, ARRRRRRRRGH, I’m Larry French!

Author